In a perfect world, it’s the girl’s decision how things will play out when relationships are beginning, especially when there are 2 men vying for the same woman’s affections. But in my world, which is far from perfect, it’s the guy’s call. It seems like it happens every time, and I never get to have control. I always just end up chasing them until I wear them down enough and they finally give up. I’ll spend a ridiculous amount of time with them, try to be involved in their life, and be a part of everything they do. Until finally, they secede and I’m suddenly in a relationship. This needs to change.

I need to change. How? I’m not so sure, but I know it has to be done. Just like I knew that the breakup with Jay had to happen. This is just one of those things. I need to stop pushing myself at a guy so much and so consistently. I need to stop giving exponentially more than I’m getting back.

Though I tell myself this, yet again, this time actually committing it to writing, I know that it’s not that easy. I know that I will continue throwing myself 100% into this thing with Irish, while only being caught by maybe 50% of him. I feel like I could change things by telling him how I feel, but i also fear that he’d not return it, then end the whole endeavor. Neither of us are going for something serious, but I don’t know what exactly I want anymore.

On the one hand, I know that I enjoy the time I spend with him very much and that the things we do and the times we have are absolutely amazing. Not to mention that I feel more attracted to him than I have to anyone in years. Maybe ever. He’s just amazing, honestly. The way I feel when I’m with him is better than anything from recent relationships. And the way he makes me laugh, well that’s also amazing. He’s intelligent, swarthy, coy, suave, and so many other things that don’t even begin to describe him enough. He has his moments, yes, but don’t we all? But then he has his amazing moments, like last night: he grabbed my water and cell phone and brought them to bed, knowing I would want them, without me asking or anything. We’ve also had our little adorable moments of cute and sweet, with holding hands and cuddles. The night he kissed me on the forehead when I cuddled up to him, well it was just, wow. And every time he kisses me in the morning I feel warm and safe and amazing all day. I have the best days when I start them out by his side. I know that I’m falling for him, and I’m sure he doesn’t want me to, but I just can’t help it. I’m pouring myself into him entirely more than I should, but I can’t seem to stop. He’s just so… him.

On the other hand, I know, or at least from what he’s said, he doesn’t want a relationship. The thing is though, whether he realizes it or not, he’s in one. It’s just not serious. And I don’t know if I really want it to be serious or not just yet. I know that I shouldn’t get involved in another relationship after just getting out of one. But the fact of it is, I’ve been wanting to be with him ever since the day we met, so many months ago. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, I had already moved on from Jay, months before the breakup. So in essence, it feels like we’ve been together for 7 or 8 months, because we have. We just weren’t declared. I feel like he was holding back because of my relationship, but now I don’t know what’s holding him back. It could be anything. My lack of job or real place to live, my not being in shape, or even him just not being as attracted to me as I had hoped. I mean, I feel like I’m a 5 or 6, dating an 8 or 9. And I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve been throwing myself at him, and that it’s counterproductive. I don’t know. I feel like the more I show him how I feel, then the more he’ll pull away. But maybe I’m just being paranoid.

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