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So this past weekend was the bachelorette party for my soon to be sister-in-law. She’s marrying my brother. That’s kinda how these things work. They’ve been dating for 9 years and are finally getting married. I’m very supportive of their relationship and she is a really cool chick. I’m proud of my geeky older brother. I just hope that someday I can be as happy as they are together.

With regard to the weekend with the girls, we’re apparently not allowed to talk about it. What happens in Ocean City stays in Ocean City. Meh. Let’s just say it was a lot of fun, there was a lot of booze, and a bit of bonding by all us girls.

“In sex ed, they told us that sex could lead to herpes, AIDS, babies,low self-esteem… but they didn’t mention backrubs.”
“Oh yes. Sometimes there are backrubs.”
“They should mention that in class. Teach the controversy.”
~ The Pervocracy

I agree with this so much. Too bad it never applies to me. With or without the sex. Sigh.

/TMI

I know I haven’t posted in awhile but things have been a bit nuts. And I keep wanting to make this blog more and more public. At least in the respect of sharing more than just general rants. I want to write about the dirty, gritty stuff I think about or do. I wanna share everything about myself. I figure if I can’t do it with the man I love, I need to get it all out somehow. I don’t have a single person who I can share everything with. That should be Irish, I know, but he doesn’t want to talk about the stuff I need to share. Gah.

/rant

We went to Rennfest today and I walked my feet off. I couldn’t find my newer hooker boots so I had to wear my old ones, which I replaced because they were painful to wear. So yeah, about 2 hours into the day I was in pain. The next 5 hours were just salt in the wound. Don’t get me wrong, the faire was fun but I just wish I hadn’t been dragging everyone down with my slowness of walking.

I feel bad about it, but it’s not like any of them cared about my pain nor were any sort of sympathetic. I would hope that my boyfriend would see that I was in pain and needed a little sympathy and caring. But no. Nothing. He just joined in on the insults and the being annoyed at me. The only person who gave a shit about me all day was Grapple, and he was a last minute random addition to our group who also ended up driving us to the faire. Since he actually cared, he hung back with me when I couldn’t catch up to the pack. He also helped me hobble around by being my crutch and catching me every time I was off balance. It was very sweet of him.

I just wish that Irish was that attentive. I mean, I really should be used to being ignored by now. He always does it. And so do Tinyfists and AngryGinger. Why do I have friends like this? My 2 best friends and my boyfriend, who I broke up a 2 year relationship to be with, don’t give a shit about me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I apparently have crap taste in friends. And I didn’t realize it until recently.

My friends that I go with to karaoke and everyone else from my hometown area are always so nice. I mean, we joke and poke fun, but it’s in good fun. And well natured. The people that I meet and make new friends with are the same way. So how is it that I ended up with 3 of the closest people to me being complete jackholes to me all the time? Guh.

But now I’m sore, my feet are useless and I feel like shit in general. I’m exhausted and no one cares. Oh and I have one picture of me from today, it was taken by Tinyfists and it’s still on her camera. She didn’t want to take more. So much for preserving memories and shit like that. Oh well. What else is new?

/rant in Eeyore style

Blar. With a big ol’ capital B.

I finally went and picked up my bridesmaid dress yesterday. Thankfully there are very minimum alterations to be made. Don’t know where to take it for that, but I’ll figure it out. After picking it up, I took it over to my mom’s house for safekeeping, knowing it wouldn’t exactly be safe at our place. After killing way too much time at Mom’s and an unsuccessful search for my leather boots, I went to have my weekly chat with Blondie.

Luckily the kids were asleep when I got there, so we had a little peace and quiet for awhile. We started talking about our lives and as always, she asked how it’s going with Irish. The answer, in short, was that things are getting better. She is mostly concerned that I’m not being treated in the right way, or in the way I deserve. I had expressed to her before my need for affection and my distinct lack of receiving said affection, despite giving plenty. I’ve been trying to get him to open up to me, but it’s ridiculously difficult. My first thought is that some girl he dated in the past hurt him so badly that he’s shut himself off to everything. That wouldn’t be my fault, so that’s the good part. The other thought I keep having is that maybe he just doesn’t feel that way about me. I hate to think that. And I’m fairly certain it’s untrue. I mean, why let me be here so much if you don’t want me around? I understand that guys feel emotions differently than girls, but I also know that they’re capable of affection. There have been guys that I couldn’t keep off me because all they wanted to do was hold me or hug me or snuggle. Don’t get me wrong, I like that, but sometimes it becomes just too much. But I’m not asking for that. Things have been improving and I’m very glad and every time he does something sweet or affectionate, I get all warm and fuzzy. It’s great. And after talking to him about these things despite his avoidance of the topic, it seems he’s finally getting it. For example, he took my hand and held it while walking the mall last time we were there. Usually I have to initiate that. And he’s finally calling me ‘hon’ or ‘honey’ like I’ve been trying to get him to do for awhile. Granted it’s happened maybe twice, but thats better than nothing. I almost insist on not using his actual name, but calling him by affectionate pet names and such. It’s just something I do. Not sure why. I guess it’s kinda my way to express to someone how much I care about them, without outright saying ‘love’. And that works for me. I mean, I’m not nearly as closed up about feelings as he is, but I also don’t wanna go throwing around the L word. Although I have said it a few times to Irish, at first because I thought he wasn’t saying it since I hadn’t said it, but then because I just had no other word strong enough to express my emotions toward him. But I’m not asking for him to say it back. At least, not until he’s ready to. I’m just asking for simple affection. Nightly snuggles, hugs, random kisses (whether it be on the lips, cheek, forehead, hand, or whatever), calling me cute little names like ‘hon’ and ‘sweetheart’, randomly holding my hand, or even just little touches of reassurance like putting his hand on the small of my back or giving little backrubs like I do for him, or even a regular backrub for once would be awesome. Heaven knows that’s never happened. The reason I do most of the things I do is because I like them done back to me. I’ve always operated under the clause of “show me what you like and I’ll do that” but it seems to not be a universal understanding. I just don’t get it.

I give so much and don’t ask for much in return, so why is it so hard to get back one little morsel of the affection I give? I always put 100% of myself into something I like, but when I’m getting less than that much back, I’m always losing myself. I’d be ecstatic to get 50% of him, let alone all of him. But I want something. Just something. 20%, 10%, even 5% would be something. I mean, the way I see my life is “me against the world” and I want my relationships to help that so that it’s “you and me against the world” (very Scott Pilgrim I know). And if we both connect to each other completely, we can be an unstoppable force against anything. But if the relationship is weak or incomplete, then we’ll crumble. So why can’t he get that? Why won’t he a least try to be loving or caring? I understand he’s a manly man and manly men don’t show feelings and all that shit, but that’s dumb. You’re allowed to show a different part of yourself to your significant other. One that maybe no one else gets to see, but you still show it. Is that too much to ask?

Why are men so complicated? Guh. And they think we’re the complicated ones. Hah! Lies and slander.

There weren’t enough people available to play poker tonight so the game was cancelled. Irish made burgers on the grill outside and broccoli and tater tots. We also watched an episode of Burn Notice while we ate, which I had never seen before. Irish explained it as Leverage but serious. It was definitely interesting.

So now he’s playing Dragon Age some more and I’m reading my new book The Magicians. It’s pretty good so far and worth the $6 I paid for it (usually $16). But I’m waffling about going to the gym tonight still. He said he might come along, but I’m doubtful. At this point it’s solely to take a soak in the hot tub, lounge in the pool, then hit the sauna. I figure I need to wait a bit for my food to settle too. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll wander into the office in 20 minutes and inquire as to his interest in the gym. Then if it’s a no, I’ll go by myself for an hour just because. Until then, reading of my book resumes.

So I went to the gym on Tuesday and did core and legs. Apparently I overdid it though because my calves started hurting on Wednesday afternoon after an impromptu nap. They’ve gotten worse since then, almost to the point of me being unable to walk. I’ve been limping around all day and just took some Aleve. I’m hoping that helps soon because I planned to hit the grocery store today and also pick up the gift for my future sister-in-law’s bridal shower. And I’m hitting the gym again tonight while Irish has his poker night. Guh. I’ll probably end up floating around the hot tub and the pool for awhile. Hoping that will help my legs.

Other than that though, last night we played Dokopon Kingdom. We did couples teams: me and Irish against AngryGinger and TinyFists. The game is definitely annoying at times but fun too I guess. We were losing and sucking pretty bad for awhile and were kinda pouting, but not unjustly. But AG and TF started making fun of us and complaining. Ugh. Oh well.

Anyway, I should get going to the shopping thing. I only have 2 hours before Irish gets home.

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