I finally went and picked up my bridesmaid dress yesterday. Thankfully there are very minimum alterations to be made. Don’t know where to take it for that, but I’ll figure it out. After picking it up, I took it over to my mom’s house for safekeeping, knowing it wouldn’t exactly be safe at our place. After killing way too much time at Mom’s and an unsuccessful search for my leather boots, I went to have my weekly chat with Blondie.

Luckily the kids were asleep when I got there, so we had a little peace and quiet for awhile. We started talking about our lives and as always, she asked how it’s going with Irish. The answer, in short, was that things are getting better. She is mostly concerned that I’m not being treated in the right way, or in the way I deserve. I had expressed to her before my need for affection and my distinct lack of receiving said affection, despite giving plenty. I’ve been trying to get him to open up to me, but it’s ridiculously difficult. My first thought is that some girl he dated in the past hurt him so badly that he’s shut himself off to everything. That wouldn’t be my fault, so that’s the good part. The other thought I keep having is that maybe he just doesn’t feel that way about me. I hate to think that. And I’m fairly certain it’s untrue. I mean, why let me be here so much if you don’t want me around? I understand that guys feel emotions differently than girls, but I also know that they’re capable of affection. There have been guys that I couldn’t keep off me because all they wanted to do was hold me or hug me or snuggle. Don’t get me wrong, I like that, but sometimes it becomes just too much. But I’m not asking for that. Things have been improving and I’m very glad and every time he does something sweet or affectionate, I get all warm and fuzzy. It’s great. And after talking to him about these things despite his avoidance of the topic, it seems he’s finally getting it. For example, he took my hand and held it while walking the mall last time we were there. Usually I have to initiate that. And he’s finally calling me ‘hon’ or ‘honey’ like I’ve been trying to get him to do for awhile. Granted it’s happened maybe twice, but thats better than nothing. I almost insist on not using his actual name, but calling him by affectionate pet names and such. It’s just something I do. Not sure why. I guess it’s kinda my way to express to someone how much I care about them, without outright saying ‘love’. And that works for me. I mean, I’m not nearly as closed up about feelings as he is, but I also don’t wanna go throwing around the L word. Although I have said it a few times to Irish, at first because I thought he wasn’t saying it since I hadn’t said it, but then because I just had no other word strong enough to express my emotions toward him. But I’m not asking for him to say it back. At least, not until he’s ready to. I’m just asking for simple affection. Nightly snuggles, hugs, random kisses (whether it be on the lips, cheek, forehead, hand, or whatever), calling me cute little names like ‘hon’ and ‘sweetheart’, randomly holding my hand, or even just little touches of reassurance like putting his hand on the small of my back or giving little backrubs like I do for him, or even a regular backrub for once would be awesome. Heaven knows that’s never happened. The reason I do most of the things I do is because I like them done back to me. I’ve always operated under the clause of “show me what you like and I’ll do that” but it seems to not be a universal understanding. I just don’t get it.

I give so much and don’t ask for much in return, so why is it so hard to get back one little morsel of the affection I give? I always put 100% of myself into something I like, but when I’m getting less than that much back, I’m always losing myself. I’d be ecstatic to get 50% of him, let alone all of him. But I want something. Just something. 20%, 10%, even 5% would be something. I mean, the way I see my life is “me against the world” and I want my relationships to help that so that it’s “you and me against the world” (very Scott Pilgrim I know). And if we both connect to each other completely, we can be an unstoppable force against anything. But if the relationship is weak or incomplete, then we’ll crumble. So why can’t he get that? Why won’t he a least try to be loving or caring? I understand he’s a manly man and manly men don’t show feelings and all that shit, but that’s dumb. You’re allowed to show a different part of yourself to your significant other. One that maybe no one else gets to see, but you still show it. Is that too much to ask?

Why are men so complicated? Guh. And they think we’re the complicated ones. Hah! Lies and slander.

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