There was a Groupon recently for Smile Bright, a tooth whitening system, for $38. Irish told me recently that my teeth are really yellow, and well, it me hit pretty hard. So I figured, why not try this? Whitening toothpaste didn’t seem to be helping, so I made the jump to this. I spent the $38 and got my kit in the mail a week or so later. I’ve been putting it off for awhile, but finally took the plunge tonight. Irish went off to play poker with MetalChef and gang so I thought it’d be a good time to try it without him around to laugh at me for it.

The system itself is actually pretty easy. You just put the gel on the mouthpiece, stick it in your mouth, pop the light in front of it and put your lips around the light, securing it in place. Then go do something for 20 mins or so to keep your mind off it.

According to the whiteness scale they sent with the kit, I was a 13. Here’s my result after 20 minutes:

Not really any difference. But here’s my results after another 20 minutes:

A slight difference here. And my teeth feel really clean, like I just came from the dentist.

There was a bit of discomfort and a mild burning sensation on part of my gums on the second session, but it’s gone now. I have really sensitive gums too, so that’s probably why.

There is an odd taste in my mouth, but that’s to be expected with peroxide. I’ll continue to post my results here as I go, but so far it seems promising.

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After reading Holly’s post from yesterday, I find myself reflecting on my life and, more specifically, my relationships. In the post, she talks about Doug Hutchinson marrying a 16-year-old, but when I first read the title, “When love is more destructive than sex” I really thought it was about something else. The title by itself evoked a feeling from me that I don’t have nearly enough, a feeling that I deserve more than I think I do. And I thought that the post was going to discuss how hurtful it can be when there’s sex without love, but one of the partners is experiencing it as sex WITH love. I was surprised to find I was wrong, but at the same time realized it’d be a good topic for a blog post of my own, especially since I haven’t been serious in awhile.

I’ve had quite the menagerie of relationships in the past decade or so. Many of those relationships were like this:

… idealized, over-dramatic, volatile, impractical, and often destructive. When two teenagers fall in love, they may do stupid things, but they really didn’t know any better.

And then when I hit 16, they changed to more like this:

When I was a teenager, I thought True Love conquered all. I thought if it was really True maybe it would last forever and we’d get married and have babies and a house of our own. I wanted to be by my True Love’s side all the time, damn the damage to the rest of my life–in fact, I even thought the damage was sort of romantic, because it meant I was sacrificing for Love. I thought that True Love means thinking that your Lover is perfect and worshipping them. And if he asked me to do things I didn’t want to (rarely sexual, more often in terms of disrupting my studies and friendships), saying “no” wouldn’t be very Loving, would it?

But around 19 or so, I started dating older men and it was like this:

… being idealized by someone, having them treat you like you’re Edward Cullen and you’re made of unicorn kisses and it’s so cool that you have a car

Currently, my ideas on love are a mash-up of all three. I like men my age, because we can be irresponsible and have fun together and just go nuts, and we can blame it on alcohol and/or being young. I like throwing myself 100 percent into relationships because I know that if I hold something back, and it fails, I’ll think it was my fault for not opening and giving myself to him completely (emotionally, people, jeez). I like older men because they’re more mature, accomplished, stable, and (sometimes) romantic. They usually have steady jobs that will be lifetime careers, a house or apartment of their own, and their ducks are in a row.

The problem with dating guys my age is that they are immature and financially unstable and totally volatile emotionally. But the problem I’ve discovered with dating older men is that they are usually broken. The reason they’re still single is because something fucked up their heart at some point and they just never recovered. Something huge had to have happened to cause it, yet the man usually won’t tell what it was, so it leaves me in constant fear that I’ll do the same thing to him again and that’d be just terrible.

However, no matter what the age difference between me and a partner, I’ve always had a hard time separating sex, love, and infatuation from each other.

Many times, I’ve mistaken infatuation for love and it usually ends a little painfully, but overall it’s okay. We really liked each other and we burnt it out too quickly. Or I really liked him and he tried but just couldn’t so we got really close but then ended it. Or the reverse, he got really close and I couldn’t so I ended it.

The problem scenario for me is, and has been for years, mistaking sex for love. I tend to jump into relationships entirely too quickly, put my whole heart into it, get completely absorbed by him, and just let him completely permeate my existence. Then I allow it to go too far, too fast, and it results in sex before it really should. The problem here is that I then get so emotionally attached because of the sex, I can no longer figure out if the guy likes ME or only certain parts of me. Nor can I establish if I actually like him and am falling in love with him, or if that’s happening just because we had sex. And the worst part: it can’t be undone. Once you tip the scales to involve sex before there’s love, it’s nigh impossible to make love the influential weight, or even to level them out again.

The hurt I’ve felt because someone didn’t love me the way I loved them, or even LIKED them, has been nothing compared to the pain I’ve felt when I realize there’s no love behind the sex. There may be some sort of affection and caring, but it’s not actually love. Though he may say that he loves me, that doesn’t make it true. (Of course, the reverse is also true: If he doesn’t say he loves me, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel that way, though why a guy wouldn’t just say it… boggles the mind.) And though I’ve continually told myself that if I just hang in there, eventually he’ll really love me, I know that it’s a fallacy and that I’m putting myself through more pain than necessary. Yet, I also know from my past experiences that I will do just that. I will always keep going. I will not give up until it’s simply too much to bear.

I will continue to put myself out there 100 percent. I will continue getting pushed around, and hurt, and taken advantage of, and disrespected. I will continue to not get what I want or deserve. But I also will continue having the good times while they last, and enjoying the feeling of being around someone I care about.

If I don’t try, I’ll never know. So yes I’ve “slept on the floor” just to be near someone, and taken off of work to help them with something trivial, and driven an hour to spend 30 minutes with them, just because he wanted me to. I know it’s destructive. I know it’s ridiculous. And I know it’s a volatile way of life, but I also know this:

If I don’t put my whole self into it, and risk putting my heart in his hands, why should I expect him to do the same?

We’ve had Thomas for about 6 weeks now and here’s the most recent pic:

Playing Portal 2 Together

Playing Portal 2 Together

This is one of my favorite pics of him and I think it’s the only one so far that shows my face. He does enjoy being a scarf kitten, and honestly I’m not gonna complain about it. It’s adorable and much more desirable than the alternative of him running around the house like a crackhead. He’s also getting bigger, though slowly. At the vet one month ago he was a little over 2 pounds. I’m hoping this Friday he’ll weigh in at about 3.

Also, he’s taken a shine to the iPad, well all my Apple products actually. He likes playing the Friskies fishing game.

This past week has been a bit intense for me when it comes to Thomas because he decided to eat my favorite bookmark. Because it had a tassel. He destroyed it and ripped it to shreds. I’m sure he was very happy with himself. Well there was a small ceramic penguin on the tassel, which I managed to save from the first kitty onslaught. But the next night, he got to the very top of the headboard shelves and found the penguin. Now since I can’t find it anywhere, I assume he ate it. I’ve been freaking out that he is going to die because it could be stuck inside him somewhere. It hasn’t come out either end as far as I can tell, and I still haven’t found it anywhere. I’m beginning to worry again. This is why I can’t have nice things…

Fun with Science
I recently borrowed Portal 2 from Goat and have been having a lot of fun with it. I still have to play the original, but my computer is laggy as hell right now. Old age and all that. Irish played through the original Portal about a week ago and Thomas was having a good time with it too. He loves anything with motion, cuz well he’s a cat. But I’m glad he enjoys the technology around him with minimal chewing. Lots of soft pawing, which is unfortunate with touch screens, but minimal chewing at least.

Portal 2I’ve been enjoying the hell out of Portal 2 and I’m really glad Goat let me borrow it for awhile. I’m at around Chapter 5 right now I think. The snippets of comedy strewn throughout are fantastic and the story is great so far. Irish and I need to do Co-Op together soon. We played it with AngryGinger, but since half was on my profile and half was on Irish’s, neither one of us got the achievement for the completion.

Irish has been avoiding watching me play so that he doesn’t have to deal with spoilers, so I’ve been trying to play when he’s not home, which is rare so that’s why I haven’t gotten very far along yet. He’s still playing through his second run of Fallout: New Vegas though so there’s no telling when he’ll get to Portal 2. We had the same issue with the Fable games, but dealt with it somehow. Though I think I was unemployed for some of that time, which made it easier for me to play without him there. We’ll see.

Also, I may have to change the blog layout soon to a more photo-oriented one, since I’m posting more pictures. That’s one good thing about having a kitten, you always have plenty of pictures to share. And the infrequent cuddles are also awesome, while they last.

He’s getting bigger but he still looks so small sometimes:

Lap Nap

Lap Nap

Thomas is doing really well so far. I took him to the vet yesterday and he was very well behaved. The vet confirmed that he’s only 8 weeks old, so I guess the woman who had him first got the month wrong, so he’s too young for shots and tests, but I’ll be taking him back to the vet in 2 weeks.

Snoozin on the Sofa

He came onto the couch for the first time last night. He’s been playing and cuddly and much more social. And I taught him how to use the litter box. I’m very proud of myself. And of him, which he knows cuz I then showered him with love.

I’ll be posting updates on him here as well as pictures to his photo album. You can hit the follow button and get updates whenever I upload new ones, which I will be doing a lot. I’m hoping to scrapbook his life and growth this way. I’m such a mom sometimes. And I know he’s gonna grow fast.

So yeah, he’s 8 weeks old and was just weaned. That woman was such a bad owner, trying to lie to all of us like that, or maybe she just couldn’t do math. And the vet said she probably had them all running outside because of the amount of ear mites and general neglect. He’s definitely underfed, which we are fixing.

I’m so glad I saved him from the shelter and gave him a good forever home. He’s gonna be the most spoiled thing ever. We hit Petsmart last night and I’ve already started a mental list of stuff I wanna get him when he gets bigger. Granted, I’ll probably like them more than he will, and if I buy him a fancy bed, I know he’ll just sleep in a box. Silly cats. But I loves them anyway.

Our family has a brand new member: Thomas O’Malley.

Thomas O'Malley - Tabby Extraordinaire

Thomas O'Malley - Tabby Extraordinaire - in his cat cave


His name is sufficiently geeky and awesome, as it’s Irish and a cartoon character, which is fitting, according to Schaffer the Darklord’s Nerd Lust “Tell my about your kitties do they fill you with laughter? And which cartoon characters did you name them after?” He’s named for the Disney Aristocats protagonist, so his full name is Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey Thomas O’Malley. He’s an adorable little orange ball of fur and I loves him. Irish seems to love him too, since he was playing with him and petting him a lot. It was nice to seem him so affectionate and adoring.

I’m taking him to the vet tonight for his shots and a basic checkup to make sure he’s healthy. We don’t think his mother’s owner was really taking care of the kittens that well and he’s so small it looks like he wasn’t getting enough food. But now he’s in a happy, loving forever home and I hope he enjoys living with us.

Also, it seems we now have a mewing alarm clock. But it’s adorable, if not a little heartbreaking. I had to fight the urge to go comfort him last night when we went to bed, when the mewing started. To my surprise, Irish got up and went to console and pet him a bit, then came back to bed. The mewing stopped. This morning we took turns calling to him softly, reassuring him we were still there for him. “It’s okay Thomas,” Irish called softly. The mewing slowed. A few minutes later, he started up again. I called to him this time, “Thomas, it’s alright sweetie.” The mewing stopped. I guess he already is getting to know my voice. He was playing with my feet when I was getting ready for work this morning too. It was cute.

He’ll be staying in the bathroom while we’re at work until he’s a bit bigger and understands not to claw things up. The last thing I want is to come home and find our new(ish) couch destroyed. But as soon as one of us is home, the door opens and he’s allowed to wander to his heart’s content. Not that he has yet.

It just feels great having another living thing in the house. I realized that now, there’s a small living creature that depends on me for life. It’s an amazing feeling. I’m just glad to get this feeling from a cat and not a child. But anyway, there are more pictures of the kitten here. I’ll also be making a Facebook album for pics of him.

Hopefully his first vet visit goes well tonight. And I may need to buy some Benedryl to get me through the first week or so. Itchy eyes and such. Plus allergy season is here on top of it. Joy. But anyway, he’s got a new home, all his brothers and sisters got adopted yesterday, so none of them were taken to the shelter, and I finally have my first real pet ever. So awesome!

I’ve been talking to Spitfire a lot online in the mornings at work and today got pretty deep into the nitty gritty of relationships and our respective troubles with them. In respect to something we talked about today, I found this excerpt from Holly’s blog particularly insightful and applicable:

I guess what most of these guys are saying is “I’m not getting laid and I see that other people are, so those other people must have some super magical unfair advantage.” Well, sort of, but that advantage is a lot more common than you think, and has a lot less to do with “being a millionaire lawyer with perfect abs” and a lot more to do with “acting like women are people.” As long as women are The Challenge, The Enemy, The Gatekeeper, The Quarry, or any other fucked-up-all-to-hell metaphor, you’re going to keep having trouble with us.

If we’re people, well… no more and no less trouble than any other kind of people, is all I can promise you.

Hopefully he’ll read this. In fact, Spitfire, you really should read more of Holly’s blog. It’s quite awesome and full of sexy times and insight into the minds of the types of women who are actually worth your time. Aka not bitches, but cool geeky chicks. Who like sex. Wait, that’s redundant. Har.

I did, however, find the painful irony and unfortunate bits of me giving advice on relationships to Spitfire: I can’t seem to take my own advice. I can tell him all I want that he can do this or this and that it could help him with women, but I feel like it means almost nothing coming from someone who isn’t in the perfect relationship as it is. Sigh. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with Irish, happier than with any other boyfriends I’ve had, but I’m well aware that the situation could be improved.

Actually, I was working on dealing with some problems and trying to improve our relationship through good, old-fashioned communication, but right at the climax of our chat, AngryGinger arrived for video game playing. So there’s currently a big pause button on the conversation. Hoping it’ll resume when AG leaves tonight.

And it’s nothing against him, but he has the worst timing for these kinds of things. But it’s a bit my own fault, since I knew he was coming over tonight and just couldn’t get up the nerve to talk about things with Irish until the last minute. As per usual.

Well, they’re still playing Marvel vs Capcom 3, so I’m gonna sit here and read my smut.

I’ve recently been assured that some men think it’s annoying when women talk about themselves. Well, duh. That makes sense. Most people can’t tolerate listening about someone talk about themselves constantly. But hearing about ourselves is just weird sometimes. Which brings me to the next Pro Tip:

We all want to be complimented, but hearing compliments too much can be annoying, unnerving, and can even feel faked or forced. I like being told nice things, as it feels reassuring and makes me feel better about myself. But when someone constantly calls me pretty, or hot, or gorgeous, it loses its value and I feel like they’re just saying it because they feel like they should, not because they mean it. It can get to the point that I feel the opposite is true, and they’re trying to appease me by saying these things, but in fact making things worse.

That being said, this applies more to suitors and guy friends than it does to a current partner. For instance, hearing a compliment from Irish is almost always met with joy and sometimes surprise. Granted, he doesn’t overdo it. In fact, I’d love for him to compliment me more often, but I think his opinion is that it’d get old and tired quickly. Not sure if I agree there.

But anyway, my point was that when my guys compliment me too much, it becomes counterproductive and actually makes me shrink away from them a bit, cuz they seem too eager to please and like they’re trying too hard to make me feel good around them. Here’s a hint: if I feel good around you, it’s because of the way you treat me and act around me, not necessarily the things you say. In this case, actions indeed speak louder than words.

While I appreciate compliments as much as the next girl, don’t overdo it. You’re hurting yourself and making me feel like I am, in actuality, not hot or cute or whatever. If I stop smiling and/or giggling when you do it, that’s because it’s no longer working, so lay off it for awhile. Just saying. Err… just writing.

Sometimes a hug or a random cuddle means more to me and does more for my ego and self-esteem than a compliment, whether it’s warranted or not. I’m not sure if this applies to just me or to the bulk of females, but hopefully it lands somewhere in between and someone finds it helpful.

Hey there, Internet. It’s been awhile. Sorry bout that. I’ve been busy with work and a sickly boyfriend and stuff and… finding excuses not to post. But in that time, I have seen 2 movies in the theatre. Which is more than I have seen in the past few months. It was much needed and enjoyed.

Adjustment Bureau:
Saw this with Gadget while Irish was working last Saturday. It was awesome. I finally got to have popcorn at the movies. First time in years. (Irish doesn’t like popcorn for some reason.) The movie was really good and I’m going to be avoiding people in hats for awhile. Just in case they’re after me. You never know.

It had romance and action and I felt it covered a lot of demographics of moviewatchers. I highly recommend it. It was a lot less Matrix-ish than I expected, which is good. It was like Bourne, with Inception qualities. Very well done.

Sucker Punch:
Saw this with Irish and AngryGinger this weekend. It covered a lot of audiences too. It was very creative and well done. It had a lot of interesting camera work. The anime style to the fighting is really cool. The different scenarios are imaginative and colorful, while violent and action-packed, but not violent enough to warrant an R rating. And I may have found a new costume for my stash of cosplay things. Babydoll. I’ve done similar costumes before, so it’s nothing new to me, and she’s blonde which makes things easier.

I’ve heard a lot of varying opinions on the movie, mostly bipolar/polarized – either loving it or hating it. Both Irish and I have tried to remind people to keep in mind that the whole movie takes place in a young girl’s imagination while she’s locked up and dreaming of escaping. This causes it to be very over the top and quite ridiculous at times.

Overall, I liked it. It was ridiculous and fun and fast-paced. Not one of my top movies, but a good one to see while it’s still in theatres.
——

Also, I got my first BzzAgent pack, so we’ll see how that whole thing goes. Not sure exactly of all I need to do for it yet. And I’ve been playing a lot of De Blob 2 – it’s pretty awesome.

Last night was pretty awesome. Went to the shooting range again with Irish, AngryGinger, and Gadget. I kept having terrible luck with guns jamming and misfiring. I don’t know if it was me or the guns but I went back to a Sig instead and had better luck. Still jammed but not as bad. And at least the clip was a lot easier to load than the others. They clearly don’t clean their guns properly at all. But here’s the results with the Sig:

I’m pretty proud of this. And I did it pretty quickly too cuz the place was closing in a minute.

Afterward, we went to get drinks and food at Applebees since they were doing their Saint Practice Day specials, it being the Friday before St. Patrick’s Day and all. We got green beer and boneless wings.

And of course after a pitcher of green Yuengling, I had to grab a green margarita… Which are normally green in color but oh well, tequila!

Overall, a fantastic way to start the irishest week of the year.

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