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It’s been awhile. I’ve failed at the PostAWeek thing. I’ve failed a lot this year. And others have failed me.

October 6 – lost my job. Brutally. They didn’t give me a good answer as to why. Just a lame “you don’t have the skills and experience we require”, a severance agreement to sign, and a failed attempt to transfer my work computer files over to my server. There was little to no sympathy from the person I needed it from the most. But that’s to be expected and will make sense in the next paragraph.

November 4/5 (late night/early morning) – Irish broke up with me. Another brutal blow. Spurred by AngryGinger, who had the best of intentions to see his friends happy. I get that, though it didn’t exactly help us be happy. And now I will always “remember, remember the 5th of November” as that day. The day I lost everything. Again. The day I had to find a way back into AngryGinger’s locked house to get my glasses so I could drive home at 7am after not sleeping at all, but just crying for 6 hours. The day I twisted my ankle horribly in those stupid 4 inch heel boots while trying to find the back porch to try the sliding door to get inside. The day I again got no sympathy from those closest to me.

I don’t know if it helped him be happy, but it sure didn’t work for me. I was suddenly very much alone. And fragile. And there were at least 2 weeks with daily breakdowns, crying, yelling, anger, more crying, emptiness, and general misery. The breakdowns slowed to a few times per week, and have now abated to about twice per week.

This whole situation, including the job loss, the heartbreak, and the lack of a proper support system, succeeded in setting off my latent depression and suicidal tendencies. I was struggling everyday to even function. I wouldn’t get out of bed until after noon, would cry uncontrollably for hours, and started staying up until 4am, doing nothing at all. I constantly considered the possibilities before me. The easy solution became very appealing. With the only thought against it being, who would take care of Thomas? I’ve never had something depend on me for life. And I couldn’t do that to him. Somehow I could deal with upsetting the very few people who would really feel pain by it, but I couldn’t let Thomas become homeless again, or die in a shelter, or be raised by someone who isn’t good enough. That amuses me in a very morbid way. But still, it’s funny to think that the cat saved my life. He kept me from doing the unmentionable. So I thank him for that. Especially because things have slightly improved.

December 6 – started a new job. Not perfect, but it’s a good atmosphere, good people, great commute, and easy work.

December 9 – realized I love my job, causing my first positive manic state in a long, long time. It didn’t last long though.

December 15 – tried to reach out and open myself up to someone, and was instead torn apart, heartbroken, and then resolved not to do it again. And found that I’m definitely not ready for anything at all. Even if it seems safe.

December 16 – went to a doctor. Now I’m back on the medication. Hopefully this will help with the depression. We’ll see in a few weeks or so.

I haven’t had the energy to do anything over the last few months. Especially in the last several weeks. Hence the lack of posting. Hopefully this will be the renewal of my blogging and I’ll get back into it. One can only hope.

I’ve been avoiding writing this post because I knew what it would mean. It’d be admitting that this has all happened. Admitting that I am alone, now more than ever. That no matter what I do, and how good my life is going, something is going to come along and fuck it all up. That I can’t stop the inevitable and to try is futile, painful, and just makes it worse for everyone in the end. That enjoying the moment is all well and good, but it comes with the knowledge that there will be bad to outweigh that good, eventually. Basically that life sucks and I need to get used to having my heart broken and being disappointed and alone. But also that I need to see what I have, when I have it, and before it’s gone – but not to hold onto it too tightly, because it’ll just shrink from my affections and run away, leaving me more alone and confused than I can imagine.

Things need to change. Hopefully the new year will bring that for me.

Well, the east side of the beltway, compared to my current home. But still west of Baltimore.

In case someone has missed out on the news, I am moving to a new abode this week. I’ve already moved a few things in and Saturday will be a huge furniture moving day. My first night sleeping there will be tonight after my free viewing of the Killer Elite premiere. (So awesome.) Thomas will be coming with me so today is his last day of lonely freedom at Irish’s house. And last night was the final time that he will be jumping on the headboard and annoying us all night, since he’ll have to just curl up on the futon with me now.

I had been apartment hunting for a few months, then got really serious about it a month or so ago. I asked around on Facebook first and got a few hits, but only from people who don’t have jobs or the money to move out just yet. Which is totally understandable. Then I got on Roommates.com and did some searching. Most things were out of my price range, and unless I paid for a membership, I couldn’t receive messages from the people directly, so I had to send them a message with my email and hope they cared enough to get back to me. That didn’t work out too well. Then I hit Craigslist – a veritable gold mine of listings that I had somehow never used before. I replied to a bunch of people looking for roommates or renters, about 8 per day for a week or so.

The first day of my search, I came upon a gem of a post that was so specific about what the girl wanted in a roommate that I just couldn’t pass it up. She clearly knew what it was like to have a crappy roommate. And she knew how to be an adult and deal with household problems. And she’d accept another pet in the house, since she has a dog. And she was looking for someone right away. And the rent wasn’t too high. So I dropped her a line. Not 30 minutes later, I received a heartfelt and excited reply confirming my hopes – the room was still available and she loved my email, which included a detailed description of my habits, interests, etc. So we setup a date and time to meet and for me to checkout the house. Yes, HOUSE. It’s a small townhouse. Not a crummy little apartment thing.

The hurricane had knocked out her power, so when I came over it was light outside, but getting dark by the minute. We hung out for 3 hours in the dark and just chatted and got to know each other. It was pretty awesome. Her dog was friendly and fun. We talked about so many things I can’t even remember it all, but it ranged from our favorite shows to video games to boyfriends to dinner/cooking arrangements (she’s vegetarian and I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be offending her by eating meat).

Finally, we said our goodbyes and I went home to Irish. I practically exploded with information when I sat down on the couch next to him. Babbling on and on about the things we talked about and the pros/cons of the house and potential situation. He just smiled and nodded as he continued watching TV or playing a game or whatever he was doing.

I let it simmer for a few days, widening my search and continuing to reply to Craigslist people, even getting onto the Facebook Marketplace thing for housing – Roomster or something – but that didn’t last long. I couldn’t find anything cheaper that I liked better or that would accept Thomas, so I emailed the girl again and we kept talking about prospective details and becoming more and more friendly.

Now, about a month later, we’ve exchanged several emails (90% of them longer than 400 words apiece, some about 800, like this post), had a lasagna dinner together at the house with our boyfriends, watched a movie together (As Good As It Gets), and had a pet visit so the dog, Biloxi could meet Thomas and they could get over the initial shock of “What the hell is that furry thing looking at me?!”

I’ve already moved in a few boxes and small furniture, there’s a futon for a bed from the previous roommate (yes, I washed the cover), and I’m moving the rest of the big furniture on Saturday with Irish, Grapple, and my parents. Thomas and I will start sleeping there tonight, as I mentioned, so that’ll be the true test of the futon’s sleepability.

And I realize that between house hunting and looking for a second job, I haven’t really bothered blogging. Shame on me. I’m 10 posts behind for PostAWeek2011. Must… catch… up… but that won’t be happening anytime soon. Maybe another post will pop up on here today about the job. Who knows?

Fun with Science
I recently borrowed Portal 2 from Goat and have been having a lot of fun with it. I still have to play the original, but my computer is laggy as hell right now. Old age and all that. Irish played through the original Portal about a week ago and Thomas was having a good time with it too. He loves anything with motion, cuz well he’s a cat. But I’m glad he enjoys the technology around him with minimal chewing. Lots of soft pawing, which is unfortunate with touch screens, but minimal chewing at least.

Portal 2I’ve been enjoying the hell out of Portal 2 and I’m really glad Goat let me borrow it for awhile. I’m at around Chapter 5 right now I think. The snippets of comedy strewn throughout are fantastic and the story is great so far. Irish and I need to do Co-Op together soon. We played it with AngryGinger, but since half was on my profile and half was on Irish’s, neither one of us got the achievement for the completion.

Irish has been avoiding watching me play so that he doesn’t have to deal with spoilers, so I’ve been trying to play when he’s not home, which is rare so that’s why I haven’t gotten very far along yet. He’s still playing through his second run of Fallout: New Vegas though so there’s no telling when he’ll get to Portal 2. We had the same issue with the Fable games, but dealt with it somehow. Though I think I was unemployed for some of that time, which made it easier for me to play without him there. We’ll see.

Also, I may have to change the blog layout soon to a more photo-oriented one, since I’m posting more pictures. That’s one good thing about having a kitten, you always have plenty of pictures to share. And the infrequent cuddles are also awesome, while they last.

He’s getting bigger but he still looks so small sometimes:

Lap Nap

Lap Nap

Hey there, Internet. It’s been awhile. Sorry bout that. I’ve been busy with work and a sickly boyfriend and stuff and… finding excuses not to post. But in that time, I have seen 2 movies in the theatre. Which is more than I have seen in the past few months. It was much needed and enjoyed.

Adjustment Bureau:
Saw this with Gadget while Irish was working last Saturday. It was awesome. I finally got to have popcorn at the movies. First time in years. (Irish doesn’t like popcorn for some reason.) The movie was really good and I’m going to be avoiding people in hats for awhile. Just in case they’re after me. You never know.

It had romance and action and I felt it covered a lot of demographics of moviewatchers. I highly recommend it. It was a lot less Matrix-ish than I expected, which is good. It was like Bourne, with Inception qualities. Very well done.

Sucker Punch:
Saw this with Irish and AngryGinger this weekend. It covered a lot of audiences too. It was very creative and well done. It had a lot of interesting camera work. The anime style to the fighting is really cool. The different scenarios are imaginative and colorful, while violent and action-packed, but not violent enough to warrant an R rating. And I may have found a new costume for my stash of cosplay things. Babydoll. I’ve done similar costumes before, so it’s nothing new to me, and she’s blonde which makes things easier.

I’ve heard a lot of varying opinions on the movie, mostly bipolar/polarized – either loving it or hating it. Both Irish and I have tried to remind people to keep in mind that the whole movie takes place in a young girl’s imagination while she’s locked up and dreaming of escaping. This causes it to be very over the top and quite ridiculous at times.

Overall, I liked it. It was ridiculous and fun and fast-paced. Not one of my top movies, but a good one to see while it’s still in theatres.
——

Also, I got my first BzzAgent pack, so we’ll see how that whole thing goes. Not sure exactly of all I need to do for it yet. And I’ve been playing a lot of De Blob 2 – it’s pretty awesome.

Since I was so excited about the recent increase in hits, I checked out the site stats. Apparently there is a site called alphainventions.com that was bringing in a lot of traffic. It’s a site that helps you find new sites I guess. Now I don’t know if the hit count went up every time it showed my page or if it only works when someone actually clicks something. I don’t know.

When I first went to the site, it had directed me to something called Masturbation Central that had a great big penis on the front page. Charming. And I’m at work right now… so that could have ended badly.

Anyway, if there are actual readers out there, please leave a comment, rate, share, something so that I know it’s not only spambots looking at my site.

I find the irony and ridiculousness in the fact that mere hours after saying I’ll do shorter, more  focused posts, I write a 1000 word post that rambles. But it was for Grapple, so it’s worth it. And I feel like it really got some things off my chest that I’ve been stressing about and dealing with lately. But I know that even though I’m aware of the problem and essentially why I’m doing it, I won’t stop. Cuz that’d be giving up, which in my world is akin to failure.

I used to say, if you don’t try, you can’t fail. I no longer believe that. If you don’t try, you automatically fail, and I can’t stand that.

Now, when I can’t do something right, I keep pushing myself harder and harder until I can, or at least I hit my limit and find the sane (or slightly insane) place to stop. This has happened with:

  • DDR
  • Guitar Hero
  • weight lifting/gym stuff
  • Dance Central
  • God of War
  • lots of other video games, actually…

Usually, it’s a digital barrier for me, because that is something that is set by a programmer and is not going to get any easier unless I figure out how to do it right.

Also, I got 150 hits yesterday. Beating my previous high (29) 5 times over. Holy crap!

Based on feedback from some of my friends/readers/interwebs, I’m going to be changing the blog a bit:

  • shorter posts
  • more frequent posts
  • more focused on the topic
  • maybe add some images
  • and maybe redo the layout design (might mean moving the blog to my own server, which I don’t really want to do)

If I could use the same design I have right now, but maybe move the sidebar to the right and change the color scheme a bit, that’d be cool. I’d like to use an image of my own as the header too. But I can’t seem to do that without uploading a whole design. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done wordpress design before (see: talesofthegrey.com), but again, that was hosted on their server. And datapike.com is unavailable. I think it was open when I first adopted the handle, but shortly after that it got scooped up by spammers/squatters. Dammit. Maybe I’ll try to get datapike.net …. sigh… I don’t know.

Post your thoughts in the comments.

Oh and just because I feel like I should say something about it, some things have changed on the blog. I added some new widget stuffs, including a hit counter and the email subscription button. Right now, I’m going through my old posts from when I started the blog as “private” and I’ve realized that none of my posts since then have been private. So I’m going back to the older posts that I imported as private and making some of them public. Not all, cuz some are just too juicy for all eyes to read.

Also, it’s snowing. But only til January 4th. So neat.

UPDATE: As of January 3rd, all posts that will become public have done so. I’ve omitted the parts I’m not keen on everyone reading and kept those pieces private.

So this is my first post to a blog using my iPhone. It’d be much easier with an iPad, but this is better than nothing and at least the autocorrect is intelligent. Until my laptop is working better, I’ll probably be posting via phone. If nothing else, it’s something to do when I’m stranded or bored without anyone being able to read it over my shoulder too easily.

In other thoughts, this is a bit difficult with my thumb partially numb. Ever since last night when I was playing guitar hero, my thumb has felt weird and kinda numbish. It doesn’t hurt or anything, but it just feels weird. Anyway, MetalChef is coming over in awhile to lend me True Blood and Leverage so Irish and I can get caught up with our shows. Then tonight is the going away party for AngryGinger’s dad, which hopefully will go well. If nothing else, it’s free food and drink which is always cool.

“Adventures in Food” has been moved to http://foodxp.wordpress.com and is now listed as “Food Experiences.”  This is now my personal blog.

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