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It’s been awhile. I’ve failed at the PostAWeek thing. I’ve failed a lot this year. And others have failed me.

October 6 – lost my job. Brutally. They didn’t give me a good answer as to why. Just a lame “you don’t have the skills and experience we require”, a severance agreement to sign, and a failed attempt to transfer my work computer files over to my server. There was little to no sympathy from the person I needed it from the most. But that’s to be expected and will make sense in the next paragraph.

November 4/5 (late night/early morning) – Irish broke up with me. Another brutal blow. Spurred by AngryGinger, who had the best of intentions to see his friends happy. I get that, though it didn’t exactly help us be happy. And now I will always “remember, remember the 5th of November” as that day. The day I lost everything. Again. The day I had to find a way back into AngryGinger’s locked house to get my glasses so I could drive home at 7am after not sleeping at all, but just crying for 6 hours. The day I twisted my ankle horribly in those stupid 4 inch heel boots while trying to find the back porch to try the sliding door to get inside. The day I again got no sympathy from those closest to me.

I don’t know if it helped him be happy, but it sure didn’t work for me. I was suddenly very much alone. And fragile. And there were at least 2 weeks with daily breakdowns, crying, yelling, anger, more crying, emptiness, and general misery. The breakdowns slowed to a few times per week, and have now abated to about twice per week.

This whole situation, including the job loss, the heartbreak, and the lack of a proper support system, succeeded in setting off my latent depression and suicidal tendencies. I was struggling everyday to even function. I wouldn’t get out of bed until after noon, would cry uncontrollably for hours, and started staying up until 4am, doing nothing at all. I constantly considered the possibilities before me. The easy solution became very appealing. With the only thought against it being, who would take care of Thomas? I’ve never had something depend on me for life. And I couldn’t do that to him. Somehow I could deal with upsetting the very few people who would really feel pain by it, but I couldn’t let Thomas become homeless again, or die in a shelter, or be raised by someone who isn’t good enough. That amuses me in a very morbid way. But still, it’s funny to think that the cat saved my life. He kept me from doing the unmentionable. So I thank him for that. Especially because things have slightly improved.

December 6 – started a new job. Not perfect, but it’s a good atmosphere, good people, great commute, and easy work.

December 9 – realized I love my job, causing my first positive manic state in a long, long time. It didn’t last long though.

December 15 – tried to reach out and open myself up to someone, and was instead torn apart, heartbroken, and then resolved not to do it again. And found that I’m definitely not ready for anything at all. Even if it seems safe.

December 16 – went to a doctor. Now I’m back on the medication. Hopefully this will help with the depression. We’ll see in a few weeks or so.

I haven’t had the energy to do anything over the last few months. Especially in the last several weeks. Hence the lack of posting. Hopefully this will be the renewal of my blogging and I’ll get back into it. One can only hope.

I’ve been avoiding writing this post because I knew what it would mean. It’d be admitting that this has all happened. Admitting that I am alone, now more than ever. That no matter what I do, and how good my life is going, something is going to come along and fuck it all up. That I can’t stop the inevitable and to try is futile, painful, and just makes it worse for everyone in the end. That enjoying the moment is all well and good, but it comes with the knowledge that there will be bad to outweigh that good, eventually. Basically that life sucks and I need to get used to having my heart broken and being disappointed and alone. But also that I need to see what I have, when I have it, and before it’s gone – but not to hold onto it too tightly, because it’ll just shrink from my affections and run away, leaving me more alone and confused than I can imagine.

Things need to change. Hopefully the new year will bring that for me.

Well, the east side of the beltway, compared to my current home. But still west of Baltimore.

In case someone has missed out on the news, I am moving to a new abode this week. I’ve already moved a few things in and Saturday will be a huge furniture moving day. My first night sleeping there will be tonight after my free viewing of the Killer Elite premiere. (So awesome.) Thomas will be coming with me so today is his last day of lonely freedom at Irish’s house. And last night was the final time that he will be jumping on the headboard and annoying us all night, since he’ll have to just curl up on the futon with me now.

I had been apartment hunting for a few months, then got really serious about it a month or so ago. I asked around on Facebook first and got a few hits, but only from people who don’t have jobs or the money to move out just yet. Which is totally understandable. Then I got on Roommates.com and did some searching. Most things were out of my price range, and unless I paid for a membership, I couldn’t receive messages from the people directly, so I had to send them a message with my email and hope they cared enough to get back to me. That didn’t work out too well. Then I hit Craigslist – a veritable gold mine of listings that I had somehow never used before. I replied to a bunch of people looking for roommates or renters, about 8 per day for a week or so.

The first day of my search, I came upon a gem of a post that was so specific about what the girl wanted in a roommate that I just couldn’t pass it up. She clearly knew what it was like to have a crappy roommate. And she knew how to be an adult and deal with household problems. And she’d accept another pet in the house, since she has a dog. And she was looking for someone right away. And the rent wasn’t too high. So I dropped her a line. Not 30 minutes later, I received a heartfelt and excited reply confirming my hopes – the room was still available and she loved my email, which included a detailed description of my habits, interests, etc. So we setup a date and time to meet and for me to checkout the house. Yes, HOUSE. It’s a small townhouse. Not a crummy little apartment thing.

The hurricane had knocked out her power, so when I came over it was light outside, but getting dark by the minute. We hung out for 3 hours in the dark and just chatted and got to know each other. It was pretty awesome. Her dog was friendly and fun. We talked about so many things I can’t even remember it all, but it ranged from our favorite shows to video games to boyfriends to dinner/cooking arrangements (she’s vegetarian and I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be offending her by eating meat).

Finally, we said our goodbyes and I went home to Irish. I practically exploded with information when I sat down on the couch next to him. Babbling on and on about the things we talked about and the pros/cons of the house and potential situation. He just smiled and nodded as he continued watching TV or playing a game or whatever he was doing.

I let it simmer for a few days, widening my search and continuing to reply to Craigslist people, even getting onto the Facebook Marketplace thing for housing – Roomster or something – but that didn’t last long. I couldn’t find anything cheaper that I liked better or that would accept Thomas, so I emailed the girl again and we kept talking about prospective details and becoming more and more friendly.

Now, about a month later, we’ve exchanged several emails (90% of them longer than 400 words apiece, some about 800, like this post), had a lasagna dinner together at the house with our boyfriends, watched a movie together (As Good As It Gets), and had a pet visit so the dog, Biloxi could meet Thomas and they could get over the initial shock of “What the hell is that furry thing looking at me?!”

I’ve already moved in a few boxes and small furniture, there’s a futon for a bed from the previous roommate (yes, I washed the cover), and I’m moving the rest of the big furniture on Saturday with Irish, Grapple, and my parents. Thomas and I will start sleeping there tonight, as I mentioned, so that’ll be the true test of the futon’s sleepability.

And I realize that between house hunting and looking for a second job, I haven’t really bothered blogging. Shame on me. I’m 10 posts behind for PostAWeek2011. Must… catch… up… but that won’t be happening anytime soon. Maybe another post will pop up on here today about the job. Who knows?

Last week I received this in my mailbox at work:

I started squeeing and there may have been some odd jumping without bending my knees. Sometimes, I have the best coworkers. And the weirdest jumps.

Then I was at Ross on Sunday doing some thrifty shopping when I found this shelf:

So many chickens! I busted out laughing in the middle of the store. People were staring. So much staring… with their beady little judging eyes…

When I finally scooped myself up off the floor from rolling in laughter, I snapped a few pictures before attracting any more unneeded attention to myself. I was still chuckling quietly while shuffling off to another aisle. And while they aren’t 6 foot tall, they still amuse the shit outta me.

If you don’t know why this is so funny, go here to check out The Bloggess and her found chicken that she named Beyonce. I love it. I want her life. So much.

Otakon is next weekend and this will be my first time attending. Luckily, it’s not my first time making costumes. You can see some of my previous costumes if you’re my friend on Facebook or if you’re in my Google+ circles. I’ve done others costumes and never got pictures of them, but the most recent are:

Irish and I are doing Joker/Harley for Otakon on Saturday and then our group is doing Archer on Sunday. I’ll be Rona Thorne, the Russian sniper double agent. And Irish is going to be Cyril Figgus. He’d be a perfect Krieger, but he’s shaving his face for Joker, so that’s out. Over the next week, I need to fix up our costumes and find the last bits for my Rona costume.

Over the past several weeks, however, I’ve been working on Demon’s outfit – Cloud from Final Fantasy 7, the game. He’s commissioning me, so I was actually happy to do it. I had to make him some black pants, a pauldron, and a belt. I will also be bleaching/dying his hair to blonde. The pants took the most trouble, honestly. I had never made pants before. But they turned out pretty great. And although they’re not all that tight on his waist, they don’t fall down. They’re comfortable.

The pauldron took a lot of creative ingenuity. I ended up using a kneepad from Lowes as the base for it. Then added part of the second kneepad for the neck guard. To make it look like 2 layers of metal, I got crafty with some paper and thin cardboard. Then I coated the whole thing in duct tape, added film canisters as the spikes, and primed it. It wasn’t until after priming that I realized I hadn’t taken any progress shots. So here it is primed:

And then painted black, which is hard to see:

And then I painted it with a light, partially dry brushed coat of silver metallic:


And finally, with the straps all sewn together and on Demon, himself:



I even got him the wolf emblem to clip onto the strap. I was going to put it on the front of the pauldron, but he liked it better this way, so that works for me.

I’ll post the process and pics of the belt next.

When a girl mentions in passing that she’s not into all that cliche Valentine’s Day stuff… ignoring it is usually a safe bet.

Case in point:
While talking to Irish a few weeks ago, I had mentioned my Valentine’s Day experience from last year, including how Jay had gotten me everything – teddy bear, balloon, flowers, card, chocolates, etc. – because I had never gotten any of that stuff before. But in that case, it was too little, too late. Damage had been done to the relationship that just couldn’t be undone with cute or tasty gifts.

Well even after hearing that, I received an edible arrangement, teddy bear, and balloon at work yesterday. It was awesome and I was squeeing like a fool. Unfortunately it was after 5 so most people had gone home, but I still texted some friends and ran to my girl upstairs to have a girly squealing fit together. And to share a chocolate covered piece of fruit.

I had already received a box of chocolates from Irish that he had AngryGinger grab for him, and I figured that was all I’d be getting. I was wrong. And I’m glad I was.

Also, when he was making the steaks for dinner (so very delicious), I checked my email and saw he had sent me a gift certificate for Squishable.com so that I can get myself a fox when it comes back in stock. I started squeeing again and ran over and hugged him for ages. It was awesome.

So the safest bet when it comes to Valentine’s, or really any holiday, is to get your girl something small at least, just to show you care. Even if it’s just a card. But if you think she’s more receptive, then go bigger, because it will be appreciated, and you will get hella brownie points.

Even is she says she doesn’t want to exchange gifts, you should still get her something. Saying that you’re not going to get each other gifts on a holiday for financial reasons or something is a TRAP. Better safe than sorry, and in this case it’s better to err on the side of giving too much, to an extent of course. Keep it sweet and simple.

I’m very proud of my awesome creation of the day. I had been working on it off and on for a few days and trying to figure out the ActionScript for it to work. I had a breakthrough today and here it is. My spinning compass of awesome. It’s in Flash, so that’s unfortunate for iStuff, but hey, at least computers can view it, and maybe some Droids too.

Hopefully this will be the beginning of many more fun, animated and pretty things at work. Though that means more work for me, it also means more recognition. And they’ll need me to stay around to keep doing these types of things. I hope.

Time for a new segment that I hope continues: Pro Tips. Here’s the first of many:

When I’m venting and bitching, just let it happen. Don’t tell me I’m wrong or try to solve my problem, unless I ask for it. Cuz really, I know why I have to do these things I bitch about having to do, but I still just need to get the frustration out of me.

Men tend to want to solve problems instead of listening. Not that I’m complaining that they want to help, but sometimes we just don’t want it.

Something women don’t tell men… Don’t help unless we ask for it. Just listen while we bitch.

Of course, the flip side of that is men like to fix stuff, so maybe we should open a bitchfest with, “just venting here” or something that triggers the “solving” area of their brains to shut down.

Just wanted to do a quick post before I leave for the day. And I just finished up a project today that’s called a “quick hit”, hence the post title.

Monday morning I woke up sick. And I mean siiiick…. It was pretty terrible. I had apparently eaten something bad on Sunday. I didn’t even leave the bathroom all morning and still went to work, then was sent home after my work for the day got distributed to others and I finished whatever I had to do then. I only got docked 4 hours and that’s out of my sick time anyway, so it’s fine.

Irish was off for MLK day and I got him to hit CVS for some Imodium and Powerade. Granted, he went out of his way and got himself lunch while he was out, even though CVS is 2 minutes from our house and I was miserable…. but anyway…

I slept and laid around all day and he played Red Dead Redemption, ignored me and my pain, and enjoyed his day off. I felt like I was imposing on him or something, since he didn’t get to have the house to himself as he wanted.

I had found all 4 Resident Evil movies recently, so we watched the first 2 that night. They were better than expected. I was afraid I wouldn’t sleep well because of them though, but I was fine. Slept like a rock in fact. And thankfully so, cuz I woke up feeling better, not 100%, but better. I went to work, ate weird “safe” foods, and muddled through.

I’m feeling a lot better now though. And although I don’t want to cut this short, it’s 5pm, and I’m outta here.

Later.

 

After that whole fandango went down, we were talking about our previous Valentine experiences. I told him how until last year, I hadn’t had the stereotypical gifts on V-Day (candy, card, balloon, bear, etc.), but Jay changed that. And it was stupid and terrible. Also, it was made worse by the fact that I didn’t love him anymore, but that’s beside the point.

I mentioned that other than the gifts, I couldn’t remember V-Day being all that good with Jay. Then he said, “I think WE were together on Valentine’s Day.” This was a huge memory shock. I had almost forgotten about that. We went to Don Pablos for dinner and had the Fajitas for Two Valentine’s Special (which I found amusing, and now ironic) and then we saw Percy Jackson: Lightning Thief. I remember using AngryGinger as my cover story since Jay hated the mere idea of Irish, let alone me being alone with him. And for good reason I guess.

So here we are, and we’ve come full circle. I’m a college grad now, I’m no longer on psych meds, I’m employed at a good company that is actually 9-5, we’re living together, and he’s finally learning to be a boyfriend, kinda.

Life isn’t perfect. It’s an adventure.

We saw Season of the Witch this weekend with BoobsMcGee and friends. It was alright. Tons creepier than I thought it was gonna be, and not really all that good. Nicholas Cage was playing a different kind of role at least, which was refreshing. I hadn’t heard all that much about it and didn’t really know what to expect. And the previews before it were all movies that looked very ‘meh’ and I had never heard of either. Very much a B-Movie experience. And considering I paid for both Irish’s ticket and my own, it was even worse.

But after the movie, the guys invited us to Serafino’s the next day to watch the Ravens game. I was totally excited to go and that we got invited. They’d apparently been doing it all season, and just never sent us an invite. Well, I didn’t get one at least. Most of the time, they’ll send something to Irish and just assume he’ll tell me about it. Well that doesn’t happen. And no one seems to retain that information when I enlighten them to it. Oh well…

We did end up going to Serafino’s though, and it was pretty cool. They had $1 sliders but they tasted burnt. Someone else got a different batch later and they were fine, but I still didn’t like them. They had mozzarella cheese on them and it wasn’t nearly as good as it sounds. At least the 22oz draft Yuengling was good. And we walked out only spending $12 total. Granted, I had made a decent breakfast that morning at 11ish of cinnamon rolls, eggs, and bacon, so we weren’t all that hungry. And we only stayed til halftime. He was tired and had a Spirit of the Century game to get to by 4. And since his car’s in the shop right now, that meant either I had to drive his ass there, or he had to get picked up by someone also going to game. The latter happened, thankfully.

While he was gone, I played some Fable 3 and got some of the last achievements I need to complete the game. There’s a glitch with the Popularity Contest one. You have to get 20 friends, but the counter goes down over time, as you apparently lose friends. Why you don’t get it automatically when you become king or queen, I don’t know. That would make too much sense I guess. Sigh. But I did finally get the King Henry cheevo: Get married 6 times as royalty and kill 2 of them. There are still a bunch online that I need to get, but that’ll happen all at once. It doesn’t work to just have Irish login and join my game, it has to be someone connected through Live. Which means I either do them with a random person, the rare actual friend who has Fable 3, or rent a second copy to play on a borrowed xbox after moving the saved game to the borrowed hard drive. So much crap.

Anyway though, I played that awhile until Irish came home and made bratwurst for dinner, which were pretty good. But then insisted on playing Borderlands with Guardian until midnight or so. I tried to work on actual work to get a start on the project due at noon today, but I got a few more pages into it, and just had to give up. I was too tired. And frustrated with my computer being lame.

I went to bed around 11pm and his game was keeping me awake, but I still tried to sleep. Then I finally drift off and he comes to bed, waking me up again. Then this morning was really hard. I felt crappy in general and was actually quite frustrated that the weekend was gone already. Without any good reason though, I was quietly sobbing, not crying really, but shaking and there were involuntary eeps and squeaks coming from me.

I guess Irish noticed because he pulled me out of the fetal position I had wrapped myself into, and held me close to him. A few more sobs escaped my lips, but I definitely felt a lot better and comforted by his embrace. Granted, it led to other things, but that helped relieve the stress inside me too. And it got me moving so I could eventually get up and get ready for work. Not that I wanted to leave his side then, but at least it got my mopeyness out of the way for the time being. And that’s all I needed right then.

Sometimes he gives me just what I need. Whether it’s what I think I need or want isn’t always true, but the fact that he can do that even sometimes, is pretty awesome.

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